Family, Friends & Faith Communities

"The best advice I can give parents is to just let [their kids] be themselves, at their own pace and in their own comfort level... listen to what they are telling you."
Shawn - age 15

"The worst thing you can do to your kid is to say, 'I don't love you because of who you are.'"
Dr. Jo Olson, Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, California

Family and Friends

It's common knowledge that children are born with genetic traits inherited from parents and grandparents. It doesn't take long however, for parents and caregivers to recognize their child is an individual with a personality and other qualities that are uniquely their own. One example of this is the way in which a child experiences or expresses their gender identity; their sense of who they are as a boy, a girl or someone who may be a little of both.

 Your male-bodied child may prefer traditionally feminine clothing, or your female-bodied child might enjoy rough and tumble play and refuse to wear dresses and skirts. They may express themselves in other ways that, while natural and comfortable for them, don't fit neatly into stereotypical "boy" or "girl" behavior.

No One Is At Fault

Having a gender non-conforming or transgender child does not mean you have done something wrong. Your child's internal sense of their gender identity wasn't 'caused' by their environment, upbringing or anything that a parent or caregiver did or did not do.

Transgender children often face fears of rejection from peers, but when it is their parents who reject them, the situation is much worse. A recent study conducted by Caitlin Ryan, director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University reveals that gender non-conforming children who are rejected by their parents or caregivers are more likely to be depressed, ideate or attempt suicide and experience substance abuse issues that those who are supported in their gender expression.

Families love their children and want what is best for them. You cannot change your child. However, you can change your response to your child. Your specific response can improve your child’s health and happiness. Your consistent parenting and unconditional love does have a central and enduring influence on your child’s life.

Top Tips

  • A child may not experience (or express) their gender as others see them.

  • This is significant and the child takes it very seriously

  • Continue providing unconditional love

  • If you feel overwhelmed or under-informed, get support and experienced guidance. You are not alone

  • This isn't about something anyone has done, or is doing "wrong"

  • Gender identity pre-dates and is different from sexual orientation

  • Research indicates that gender identity is hard-wired prior to birth. Being transgender is not a mental or physical "disorder"

  • Accept the child for who they are "today" without projecting who they might be in the future. Require others to respect your child for who they are.

  • The child, if supported by friends and family in their gender identity/expression, has every good chance of growing up to be an exceptional person

  •  While this may be confusing at first, do not let anyone assume that the child or youth is confused about their gender identity. They mostly likely are not.

  • Above all, respect the child's feelings about their gender identity.

Faith Communities

Spirituality and faith play an important role in the lives of many individuals and families and as a result, it can have a significant impact on the lives of children and youth who do not conform to societal gender identity or expression stereotypes.

Faith leaders and communities have the potential to positively reinforce and nurture a gender non-conforming or transgender child's self-esteem and to provide the support, fellowship and safe-harbor that families may need as they navigate their way in raising a happy and healthy child or youth. 

It is vitally important to recognize that any guidance or advice that leads to disregarding, discouraging or disrespecting how a child experiences or expresses their own gender identity is potentially extremely damaging to that child's overall well-being.

For a multi-faith list of welcoming congregations,you can visit the Community of Welcoming Congregations and the  Reconciling Ministries Network.