Dear Mom and Dad
(This letter originally appeared on www.AntiJen.org)

Let me begin this letter by saying that I love you both very much, and how privileged I am to have you as my parents. I hope nothing will ever change this. You have always been there for me, and I will always be there for you.

What you are about to read is for you, and you alone (until I’m ready to tell others).

This is going to be the most difficult and personal letter that I have ever written. I would have preferred to tell you its contents in person, but as my cognitive problem sometimes jumbles the order of what I try to say, I chose to put it on paper instead, ensuring a clear explanation of something that has been bothering me for as long as I can remember, and something which I have been needing to tell you for a long time, but for various reasons, have not been able to. It’s about an ongoing situation in my life that has resulted in me seeking help and support from sources other than friends and family.

I can assure you that I am in good health and that I am not in any kind of danger, but this is a very serious situation for me.
My sources of help and support are focused on decisions I am trying to make about my life, and getting advice on how to reach new goals, and live a happier life.

I have kept a secret in my life from both of you and everyone I know. A secret I have kept since I was very very young. Keeping it has been the highest priority for me when forming the basis of all personal, social, and work relationships in my life. At times, I even kept it from myself, but with every passing year, this secret has become more and more unbearable to live with, and it is tearing me apart. It has driven me to the brink of suicide many times, including recently, and I can’t allow myself to hit another low like that ever again. The reason I have kept it, is because I am scared of how it will affect everyone and everything in my life. I have feared rejection and losing loved ones. I now realize that my family and friends love me for who I am, and that should never change.

In childhood, I always knew that I was different from other kids. For many years, I thought that everybody was "different" in some way but it wasn't until a few years later that I realized and understood that no one else had the same feelings I was experiencing. By then, I had learned to keep those feelings to myself. As a teenager, these feelings remained, and all my problems worsened. I tried so very hard to fit in, but was never able to. As I got older, and with nothing changing, the only comfort I found was in a vodka bottle, and in escaping to drug induced alternate realities. Truth is, I wanted to die, my life was too painful to live.

I have reached a point in my life where I have to make some changes, or I will end up dead. I wake up every morning feeling like shit, and I drink daily. I drink to escape the pain of what I have been living with, nothing else. When I don’t drink, it all gets to me, and I usually end up in tears. I have just turned 30, and my feelings are stronger than ever.

I have been living in complete denial of who I am. The me everyone knows is mostly a front to hide the secret I have been keeping. I have never once considered myself to be male. Deep inside, I have always known I am female, but have been trapped in this male body. I am a lifelong sufferer of a condition known as gender dysphoria. I am only at the beginning of a long winding road, and I haven't figured out all that lies ahead yet. This is extremely difficult for me to tell you both, partly because I know it will come as quite a shock, but also because this is a very private part of me, and I have spent almost three decades hiding it.

Many times in my life (some worse than others) I've waged a war inside myself to try to repress my feelings or to deny my transsexualism and make it something else. My inner chaos has been so painful and severe at times that I could not function at my usual high level, and the energy it has taken to maintain a happy inner life has come at great cost, not only have I had to keep living a "normal" life when inside I felt an aching despair, (deep depression and thoughts of suicide), but it has kept me from being the true person that I am, and for my own well-being, I have to, I need to change.

The last couple of years have been very difficult for me, and even more so in these past few months, and I really need your love and support.

Well, now you know. I just wanted both of you to know what is going on. As I sit here writing this I am almost overtaken with the enormity of what I'm telling you. We've never talked about things like this before, and I feel an overwhelming amount of anxiety thinking you will not love me anymore, or want to see me or talk to me ever again. I'm in a dilemma that I feel in order for me to be truly happy, I have to change. Buried deep in this body is a woman called Angie, who can't stand it in there any longer.

I do wish I could have been with you as you read this. I wish I could have told you in person. I hope you understand, I just couldn't, I get so upset just thinking of how you'd both react and just couldn't do it... I'm still not ready to talk about it with you both, but I will, so I hope you'll get in touch when you are ready.

I will love you both always.

(Name withheld)