Self-Advocacy:
Letters to Schools
While not all gender non-conforming (GNC) children wish to transition gender socially, some do. Even for those who don't, being "different" from gender conforming kids and teachers can bring its own challenges. This is particularly true for children and youth who undertake a gender transition in the same school they may have attended previously in their birth assigned sex.
Here are some examples (edited for length) of letters parents and caregivers have written in which they outline both support for their child and the steps they expect the teachers, administrators and parents of other students to take to ensure their child has a nurturing, safe and positive school experience.
Names and other identifying details have been changed to protect anonymity.
Thank you to Sarah Hoffman for sharing these letters on her blog!
| Letter #1: Kindergarten GNC |
| Letter #2: Pre-K Trans |
| Letter #3: High School Trans |
| Letter #4: Middle School - Alternatives to PE |
Letter #1: Kindergarten GNC - Letter to Parents of Classmates
Dear Kindergarten parents:
We are Ian and Sarah Hoffman, the parents of Sam Hoffman. We are writing
to introduce our family to those of you who don’t yet know us, to share
some information about Sam with those who have questions, and to express
our gratitude for the kindness and understanding that so many parents
and children have shown Sam.
As you may know, Sam is a boy who likes to wear a dress, has long hair,
and loves the color pink. Some parents and kids have assumed that he is
a girl (which is quite understandable). Sam also likes traditional “boy”
things, like knights, castles, and dinosaurs. Clinically, children like
Sam are called gender nonconforming; we like to call him a pink boy—the
male equivalent of a tomboy.
We have worked hard over the last few years to educate ourselves about
gender-nonconforming children. We have learned a lot, though there is
much we still don’t know—for example, we don’t know why some kids are
gender nonconforming. No one knows whether or not a particular child
will “grow out” of it.
Here are some things we do know: gender expression is an important part
of every person’s identity, and it’s inborn—not something we choose.
Gender-nonconforming children are often teased and stigmatized for their
differences, and research shows that their stress levels are higher than
those of gender-normative kids. Studies also show that support and
acceptance from a gender-nonconforming child’s family, peers, and
community make a huge difference in future health and mental health
outcomes. For these reasons, we were very careful to choose a school
community that would be accepting of Sam’s differences.
We realize that gender nonconformity isn’t something that most people
come across every day, and that some kids have questions about Sam (Is
he a boy or a girl? Why does he like pink? Aren’t dresses only for
girls?). We also know that some parents have questions too.
When kids have questions, simplicity is usually best. Some helpful
answers are: “Everyone’s different.” “Some kids like both feminine and
masculine things (or girl things and boy things), and that’s OK.” “Sam
wears a dress (wears pink, has long hair, etc.) because that’s what
feels best for him.”
As you can imagine, it is difficult for Sam to address questions
directly from other kids. He doesn’t dress and act this way for
attention, so the extra attention makes him uncomfortable. Therefore, we
ask that you let your children know that it’s better for them to
approach you, or us, or one of their teachers if they have questions.
If you have questions for us, or if you want to talk more about any of
this, please feel free to call, email, or talk with us at school. We
will do our best to address your concerns.
We are grateful for the kindness and acceptance so many of you have
shown Sam these last two months. Thank you for your time and
consideration.
Sincerely,
Ian and Sarah Hoffman
Letter #2: Pre-K Trans - Letter to Parents of Classmates
Hello Parents,
I’m Ann LaCross, mother of Alex LaCross-Welch, who is the youngest of our four children and is in the 4s program this year. My husband, Jason Welch (coach of the soccer team) and I have been Rose Day parents for seven years with two older kids who’ve graduated and a son currently in middle school.
When Alex was born, we sent out the normal birth announcement, celebrating the data on hand—length, weight, gender. We celebrated Alex’s arrival—our new baby boy! But gender is complex. It takes shape in the brain and can’t be defined simply by body parts. What truly matters is how a person feels on the inside. And, as it turns out, Alex is actually a girl on the inside. We noticed Alex’s girl-preferences at the age when gender first starts to assert itself—around one-and-a-half or two—and although we expected this to be a phase, it wasn’t. Alex’s gender identity has been consistent and clear—girl. As you can imagine, we’ve done loads of research on the topic, have talked to specialists, and are invested in the most current literature.
Culturally, we talk a good game about the importance of what’s on the inside, living with authenticity, and being true to who we are. Jason and I have decided that we should probably try to live by those words. This summer, Alex expressed the desire to be called “she.” We are honoring that request and have received great support from the teachers and administration at Rose Day. Alex will be just another girl in the class.
We know that this might bring up questions at home. We put it this way: to saying that Alex was born a boy but is now an affirmed girl who prefers to be called “she.” We try to keep it pretty simple. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to email one of us. (We know this can be a touchy subject and that some of you may hold political, cultural, or religious beliefs that oppose what we’re doing. We respect that and hope that respect is mutual.)
I recently read the work of a young transgendered author who wrote, “I wish people hadn’t told me how hard my life was going to be, but instead how rich.” The thing is, Alex is a great kid—funny, kind, inquisitive, a real joy machine. She is the real gift and our lives are richer because we’re lucky enough to have her with us.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
All my best,
Ann LaCross
Letter #3: High School Trans - Letter to Faculty
Dear teachers:
I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future, but in the mean time there is an important matter I need to discuss with you.
My child is an incoming freshman and is in your class (English 9, 1st period; Algebra 1, 2nd period; Health, 3rd period; Spanish 1, 4th period; Dance PE, 5th period). On your roster, her name appears as James Renaldo, and her gender appears as male. However, my daughter is transgender; she identifies as a female, and her name is Jamie. It would be wonderful if you can correct the name on your roster before class starts so that Jamie does not have to make this awkward correction.
I am concerned because transgender teens have the highest percentage rate of discrimination, bullying, and assault (Jamie suffered all of these from students and staff at her middle school last year). Likewise, they have the highest percentage of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide. Jamie is in good spirits, I have no immediate fears about her emotional state, and I would like to look to you, her teachers, to please help her feel safe in school. The research by the California Safe Schools committee indicates that one of the most important factors in keeping trans students safe is having a trusted teacher or staff member who they recognize as an ally, and who will take action if the student is aggressed.
I in no way intend this message to be confrontational, but just so that we start the year off on the same page I would like to reiterate that state law, and county and district policy supports the T in LGBTQ: “Transgender and gender non-conforming students have the right to be addressed by a name and pronoun corresponding to their gender identity. This is true regardless of whether the student has obtained a court ordered name or gender change. Intentionally addressing a student by the incorrect name or pronoun is a form of discrimination. The directive does not prohibit inadvertent slips or honest mistakes, but it does apply to an intentional and persistent refusal to respect a student’s gender identity.”
I also have some concern about where Jamie will change clothes, I hope that we can meet with Ms. Billings today or that Jamie can have a moment of her time tomorrow during class. Again, the legal standards are clear: “In locker rooms that involve undressing in front of others, transgender students who want to use the locker room corresponding to their gender identity must be provided an accommodation that best meets the student’s needs. Such accommodations can include: (A) use of a private area within the public area (a bathroom stall with a door, an area separated by a curtain, a PE instructor’s office in the locker room), (B) a separate changing schedule in the private area (either utilizing the locker room before or after the other students), (C) use of a nearby private area (a nearby restroom, a nurse’s office), or (D) satisfaction of PE requirement by independent study outside of gym class (either before or after school or at a local recreational facility). It is not an acceptable accommodation to deny a student’s opportunity for physical education either through not allowing the student to have PE or by forcing the student to have PE outside of the assigned class time. Requiring a transgender student to use the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth is likewise prohibited…All students have a right to safe and appropriate restroom facilities. This includes the right to use a restroom that corresponds to the student’s gender identity, regardless of the student’s sex assigned at birth. Requiring the student to `prove’ their gender (by requiring a doctor’s letter, identity documents, etc.) is not acceptable. The student’s self-identification is the sole measure of the student’s gender, per Title IX and The California Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act of 2000 (AB 357).” (The Oregon Safe Schools Act also covers this.)
I believe you are all compassionate people, and I am confident that Wawona High School will be welcoming.
Thank you for your consideration . . . and if you have any wish-list items for your classrooms, please let me know! :-)
Sincerely,
Natanya Renaldo
Letter #4: Middle School - Alternatives to PE
Dear
Mr. Jeffries,
We are writing to you in regards to Nobu Murase and
his PE class starting in the 6th grade. As we understand, you
are fully prepared to accommodate Nobu in the mainstream program at Pine
Lakes Middle School. However, given the sensitive nature surrounding
Nobu’s gender identity issues, if the idea is to achieve his optimal
emotional development we need to provide Nobu with an alternative
experience at school. We feel that forcing participation in gym will be
emotionally detrimental to Nobu and will cause his academic performance
to go down.
Although Nobu has no physical disabilities which prevent him from
participating, he does have emotional and social disabilities
surrounding his gender identity that consistently cause behavioral
issues during this class. Given that PE is mostly divided by gender,
Nobu experiences a high level of anxiety, fear, and stress when
attending this class for a myriad of gender-related reasons. His report
cards from his last school clearly reflect the ongoing struggles he has
had in the class socially.
We
would like Nobu to participate in the classes that are not divided by
gender. When classes are divided by gender we would like him to have the
option to do a research project on anything to do with health, sports,
or physical fitness, or to write a current event essay of some sort.
I
can assure you that we can provide Nobu the physical activity, or active
participation, that is required by law though figure skating lessons
after school. To obtain his optimal physical development, Nobu will be
at skating, or a skating-related activity, a minimum of five hours per
week. Every time he participates in skating he will be dressed in the
proper skating attire and using the proper skating equipment. One of
Nobu’s weekly skating activities is an ice performance group. During
this time he will learn how to work as part of a skating team that will
foster a sense of sportsmanship, cooperation, and leadership. The group
will be performing and competing at a number of venues throughout the
school year.
Ultimately, as Nobu matures and “figures himself out,” our goal is to
build his confidence with full mainstream participation.
Thank you for considering this option for Nobu. We look forward to
working closely with you.
Sincerely,
The
Murase Family
